John Gottman and his wife Julie Gottman, of the Gottman Institute, have been researching marriages for over 40 years. They are so good, that after observing a couple in action for just a short time, they are able to predict whether that marriage will succeed or fail with over 90% accuracy. How? Well, this is partially possible by being able to identify the “Four Horsemen” named after the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” out of the Book of Revelation in the Bible (yikes!). Yes, apparently these habits are that destructive. These Four Horsemen are the red flags that the Gottman’s take notice of when evaluating the potential success or demise of a marriage. So what are they? 1. Criticism- Attacking at the core. You are damaged or you are a bad person, as opposed to what you’re doing is wrong and flawed. You or your partner feels assaulted, rejected, and hurt. 2. Defensiveness- Feeling unjustly accused, therefore, looking for excuses. Can to avoidance and lying in the relationship. 3. Stonewalling- When the listener withdraws and avoids interactions with their partner. Shutting down, tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors. 4. Contempt- When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless. The four habits will slowly, but surely tear away at your marriage, or any relationship in your life. You can begin to repair the damage that has been done by these habits by speaking gently, yet earnestly to your partner instead of constant criticism. Start taking responsibility with your words and actions to avoid finding yourself in situations where you feel attacked, and in turn, give your partner the opportunity to do the same before you go on the attack. Stop running away from difficult and uncomfortable situations and conversations with your partner. Instead, be a source of strength and dependability. Also, remember to speak to your partner with respect, and avoid ridiculing sarcasm and put-downs. Believe me, I know these aren't easy, especially when we are irritated, tired, and have had a long day. The alternative is much more difficult, so please, give these new habits a try. For further reading, I recommend the following books by John Gottman (you will probably see a few well-worn copies on my shelf): -The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work -Why Marriages Succeed or Fail -Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child Leana Sykes is a Relationship Counselor and the owner of Leana Sykes Relationship Counseling & Mediation in Oaklyn, NJ.
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Your friends have most likely been a source of strength and support through what you thought were the most unbearable of times. The cathartic conversations that you may have had with each other can almost feel therapeutic. So, what is the difference between conversations with the closest people in your life, and a counselor that you barely know? Your friend is not objective, and that’s what friends are for! We want them to be our cheerleaders, our teammates, and our fans. In other words, they cannot be unbiased. They may also have a personal stake in decisions that you make. They may win or lose based on choices you make for yourself, therefore, they may unconsciously motivate you towards a certain decision. Also, because our friends are players in our lives, this may compromise confidentiality, something that counselors are ethically obligated to provide. On the other hand, your counselor is a trained professional ready to be objective, ask the hard questions, and help you work through them. You trust your counselor to take you to what might be an uncomfortable place to work out the hard stuff that you may not even want to tell your best friend. Your counselor also has no personal stake in the decisions you make, has your best interests at heart., and is devoted in helping you reach your own decisions. Though we consider the important people in your life, (we feel that your relationships are more precious than gold), we want you to remember that YOU are the most important person in your life, and consider what is best for you and those you care for. We are there to help you discover what you truly need and desire, and not what anyone else desires for you. Leana Sykes is a Relationship Counselor and the owner of Leana Sykes Relationship Counseling & Mediation in Oaklyn, NJ. |