The long and the short of it is that your cannot repair your marriage if the affair is active. You see, here's the thing... What you're doing is not fair to either of the people you're in a relationship with . If you want a true relationship with either of them, that means you must truly cherish them. That means not betraying them. Being in a relationship with someone else at the same time is a betrayal. Although it may be nice for you, neither of them deserve that. Sorry for the guilt trip, but if you're ready to fix your relationship, it's time for some real talk. But here's the other thing.... You may have fallen in love with someone else and you're not sure what to do. Your marriage might be in a terrible spot, and this other relationship is every thing you've ever wanted. If that's the case, it may down to asking the other man or the other woman to wait. That may mean putting things on hold so that you can work on your marriage for a few months. This means no contact at all. At the end of those 2 or 3 months, you will let them know of your definitive decision. There is no guarantee that he or she will wait for you, or that your spouse will be willing to stay or go. That's the chance you take, isn't it? The "other" is out of your life, now what? Pt 2, Expressing True Remorse, coming soon..... Leana Sykes is a Relationship Counselor and the owner of Leana Sykes Relationship Counseling in Oaklyn, NJ. In-person and online appointments available.
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It may seem impossible to recover from infidelity. In fact, there is a stigma of shame cast upon people who return to their unfaithful partner. The truth is, most couples can and do recover from infidelity. It's hard and seems almost impossible to overcome such a betrayal, but it can happen. But first, what defines infidelity? For the sake of this series, I will define it this way: Infidelity includes: - A secretive relationship - An emotional connection -Real or imagined sexual tension During this series, I will dive deeper into each step in recovering from infidelity. These posts are my interpretation of the work of Esther Perel. She does such a great job of illustrating the evolution of marriage and the subsequent effects of infidelity in this great TED talk: The steps are:
1. End the Affair 2. Express true remorse 3. Become the protector of the relationship 4. Bring back your sense of self-worth 5. Stop obsessing over the details and look for meaning and motives Affairs will always happen, but it is up to the couple to define the meaning of the affair and create a new reality. As Esther so eloquently puts it, "Your first marriage is over, would you like to create a second one together?". Leana Sykes is a Relationship Counselor and the owner of Leana Sykes Relationship Counseling in Oaklyn, NJ. In-person and online appointments available. |